Scars / Cicatrices

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Scars.
We all have them, unless we are very young.
We hide them beneath smiles. We cover them with affirmations that all is well, flourishing in fact. But they manage to show through the cracks where we were once broken.
Everyone tries to hide them, deny them, disguise them. We feel they are a sign of weakness. We fear they will serve others to judge us and perhaps hurt us.
Where do they come from?
Some of us learn early on in life that those we should be able to trust, those that first teach us about life and love, discourage us from actually being our true selves. We try again and again to show the depths of our soul and we come up against a barrier.
TheGirlYouShouldBe (but will never be).
You never forget your first scar.
When you get told to lower your voice, not because you’re actually shouting, but because what you’re saying is upsetting someone who’s listening. They do not want to be reminded of a different point of view. The freshness and innocence of a mind and heart that are not as yet jaded by hypocrisy or cynicism is like kryptonite to them. You feel inadequate.
When you are carelessly compared to someone and end up losing in the comparison because you are not quite ‘enough’. You feel insecure.
You constantly hear that no one loves you more than your parents. Yet you constantly feel you are asked to pay a pound of flesh for the love you receive. You are constantly required to pipe down, toughen up, obey and not whine. You are told that your perceptions and ideas, however well thought out they may seem to you, are flawed beyond repair. You end up thinking that you are also flawed beyond repair.
On the good days, you set out to fix yourself, fix those strange views and adapt your weird self into the mold they’ve prepared for you, and which happens to be just like the one they have for everyone else. It doesn’t fit you well. It is too loose in some places and too tight in others. You don’t like it, but you think that if you try hard enough, it will end up fitting you and then people will love you and not just tolerate you.
On the bad days, you just want to hide, or better still, leave. You wish you could just up and leave, hit the road and not look back. You look at yourself in the mirror and wonder why. Why is it others can’t see you? And why can’t you see what others see in you?
Until after decades of trying you realize that it was all in vain. You do or say one thing that doesn’t quite fill the need for uniformity of the crowd, and you’re back at square one. Then you think that it’s your fault, even though your logic reminds you that it can’t really be so.
Next step?
Realize that the World Expert on your life is you. Realize that other people’s approval doesn’t depend on you, but on them. You can be saint by any standard and still have people dislike you, or outright hate you. Realize that all you need to do is forgive. Forgive people for being insensitive. They are their own worst enemy. Forgive yourself. You are your best friend. Forgive and move on.
Forgive…but don’t forget. Never forget that your worth is not measured by the value assigned to you by any other person. Never give anyone the power to put a price on you.

~/~

Cicatrices.
Todos las tenemos , si no somos muy jóvenes.
Las escondemos bajo sonrisas. Las cubrimos de afirmaciones de que todo va bien, de que estamos genial. Pero se vislumbran entre las grietas de nuestras heridas.
Todos intentan esconderlas, negarlas, disfrazarlas. Sentimos que son una señal de debilidad. Tememos que les sirvan a los demás para juzgarnos y tal vez para herirnos.
¿De dónde vienen?
Algunos aprendemos a temprana edad que de los que deberíamos poder fiarnos, nuestros primeros maestros de la vida y del amor, nos desaniman a mostrarnos como somos. Intentamos una y otra vez mostrar nuestros pensamientos profundos y nos estrellamos contra una barrera.
LaChicaQueDeberíasSer (pero que nunca serás).
Nunca olvidas tu primera cicatriz.
Cuando te dicen que bajes la voz, no porque estés gritando, sino porque lo que estás diciendo está incomodando a alguien que está oyéndote. No quieren que se les recuerde que hay otro punto de vista. La frescura e inocencia de una mente y un corazón todavía no lacerados por la hipocresía y el cinismo son como kriptonita para ellos. Te sientes inadecuada.
Cuando te comparan superficialmente con alguien y sales perdiendo en la comparación porque nunca eres ‘lo suficiente?. Te sientes inseguro.
Siempre oyes que nadie te quiere más que tus padres. Sin embargo, sientes que constantemente se te pide que pagues un tributo por el amor que recibes. Se te pide constantemente que bajes la voz, dejes de ser tan sensible, obedezcas y no te quejes. Se te dice que tus percepciones e ideas, por muy bien pensadas que te parezcan a tí, en realidad están equivocadas sin remedio. Acabas pensando que tu también estás equivocada sin remedio.
En los días buenos te propones arreglarte, corregir esos puntos de vista extraños y adaptar tu rara persona al molde que te tienen preparado, el cual es el mismo que tienen para todos. No te queda bien. Demasiado apretado en unos sitios y demasiado suelto en otros .No te gusta, pero crees que si lo intentas lo suficiente, te acabará por quedar bien y entonces la gente te querrá en vez de solo tolerarte.
En los días malos, solo quieres esconderte. O mejor, irte. Desearías simplemente largarte, salir a la carretera y no mirar atrás. Te miras en el espejo y te preguntas por qué. ¿Por qué es que los demás no te ven? ¿Por qué tú no ves lo que ellos ven en tí?
Hasta que después de varias décadas te percatas de que fue en vano. Haces o dices una sola cosa que no encaja con la uniformidad del rebaño y estás de vuelta en la casilla de salida. Entonces te culpas a ti mismo, aunque la lógica te diga que no es así.
¿Cual es el siguiente paso?
Darte cuenta que el experto en tu vida eres TU. Darte cuenta que la aprobación de otras personas tiene que ver con ellos y no contigo. Puedes ser un santo desde cualquier perspectiva y va a haber gente a la que le caigas mal, o que directamente te odien. Darte cuenta que lo único que necesitas hacer es perdonar. Perdonar a las personas por ser insensibles. Son su peor enemigo. Perdónate a tí mismo. Eres tu mejor amigo. Perdona y sigue adelante.
Perdona…pero no olvides. No olvides que tu valía no viene determinada por el valor que te asignen otros. Nunca le des a nadie el poder de ponerte precio.

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