Every Step of the Way/ Cada Paso del Camino

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Sometimes, a certain wind blows away the cobwebs surrounding that part of our hearts we keep hidden from sight. It makes feelings stir that we did not know we had, that we never identified as ours. They had been buried under layers of cautious indifference. We had held them at arm’s length just in case they were to make us aware of how deeply we could feel. We feared how much we could care or how little things, seemingly unimportant events, could shift our views on ourselves, who we are and what we believe. It has taken several decades on this planet for me to finally stop, look around and analyze who I am, what I want and where I am heading. It is scary and exhilarating. I compare it to standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea. You feel the wind rush by you and being tempted for just one second to open your arms, close your eyes and jump…That moment is where I am at, and I fear I will take the coward’s way out, take a step back, turn around and be content to sense solid ground under my feet. Although the adrenaline of standing at the edge of an abyss and contemplating the possibility of a triple somersault into the unknown cannot be eclipsed. Reality sets in as I face the possibility of not being strong enough to survive that plunge into nothingness. Some days, I’d close the shutters, pull the curtains and creep under the bed, praying for this moment to pass me by, in spite of knowing that it will not go without taking its toll. The one thing that comforts me like a ray of sun on a dark winter day is knowing that the moment in time when I came face to face with my demons and was forced to acknowledge my dark side, the one I’d always known existed, my very core, you were there, holding my hand in silence, willing me to live and be happy. You were there too, on the edge of that cliff, looking down at the sea, wondering if it would hurt to leap.
Or if you’d dare to fly…
The sea…always the sea.
~/~

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A veces, un soplo certero despeja las telarañas que rodean esa parte del corazón que mantenemos escondida de la vista de los demás. Hace que se remuevan sentimientos que no sabíamos que teníamos, que nunca identificamos como nuestros. Habían quedado enterrados bajo capas de cuidadosa indiferencia. Los sostuvimos a distancia por si acaso nos hacían sentir profundamente. Temíamos lo mucho que podía importarnos, o como las pequeñas cosas sin importancia, acontecimientos cotidianos, podían cambiar nuestra percepción de nosotros mismos, de quienes somos y qué creemos.
Me ha llevado varias décadas en este planeta parar, contemplar el panorama y analizar quién soy, qué quiero y hacia dónde me dirijo. Es emocionante y aterrador. Lo comparo con estar de pie al borde de un acantilado frente al mar. Sientes el viento rozarte y te tienta, por un segundo, abrir los brazos, cerrar los ojos y saltar…
Ese momento es donde estoy ahora, y me temo que me acobardaré, daré un paso atrás y me daré por satisfecha al sentir tierra firme bajo mis pies. Si bien la adrenalina de haber estado al borde de un abismo y haber contemplado la posibilidad de saltar a lo desconocido será difícil de eclipsar.
La realidad se materializa al enfrentarme a la posibilidad de no ser lo suficientemente fuerte para sobrevivir esa zambullida en el vacío. Algunos días cerraría las contras, correría las cortinas y me escabulliría bajo la cama, rezando por que este momento pasase de largo, aunque sé que no pasará sin cobrar un tributo.
Lo único que me consuela como un rayo de sol en un día oscuro de invierno es saber que cuando estuve cara a cara con mis demonios y tuve que admitir mi lado oscuro, mi esencia, tú estabas allí, sujetando mi mano en silencio, deseando que viviese y fuese feliz. Tú también estabas en ese acantilado, mirando hacia abajo al mar, preguntándote si dolería saltar.
O si te atreverías a volar…
El mar, siempre el mar…

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