Hello. It’s me.
The You that is within sight of the half century mark.
I hope I can convey to you just how marvelous you are. Forget all those times you were told the opposite. You are tough as nails, smart as the north wind that whips the coast. You’re a beam of sunlight dispersing the mist of ignorance. People tend to recoil when you speak your mind. You’re too different to feel close to and too similar to discard as a rarity. You are an owl in a chicken coop.
Don’t despair! All those sleepless nights will pass. It’ll only serve to strengthen you and make you shine. Some will not like it, but those who count will. You will discover your depths, the hidden and the remote, and begin to see the way clearer. It’ll be like swimming in muddy waters for a time. However, you will move forward every day.
But that is to come…
First you will live the life others choose. You will give and grow. You will support endeavours, clear up messes, organise, plan, rehash, restore, promote others. You will convince yourself that you’re fine with it all, in spite of knowing it isn’t so. You will have flashes of wisdom, when your guts connect to your brain and it becomes obvious that you are out of your element. Some days the struggle is uphill. It’s all giving and little getting. Still, you trudge on. After all, that’s what you signed up for, isn’t it? You feel oddly detached from your surroundings. What ‘everyone’ seems to enjoy will not entertain you, though you will try to fit in and participate. You would much rather be reading a book and sipping tea than having blaring music deafening you. You are at once expected to lead and considered a nag for doing so. You get to a point that you realise you are living for others 90% of the time, and you are not respected for it. In fact, it is a given that you will continue to do so, in spite of the effort and lack of acknowledgement. When you express your exhaustion and ask for everyone to collaborate, you will be looked upon as ‘difficult, demanding and bossy’.
Just remember, it will get better. Maybe not the way you expected it to be. Maybe not the way you dreamed it would be.
And don’t let anyone tell you that 80% of humanity is worse off than you. You know that, probably better than they do. Don’t let them use your empathy as an excuse for not letting you speak your mind or say that you’re tired or that you’ve had a bad day. You are not a complainer. They are too weak to hear you and bear with you because they know they could be doing more but won’t. It is, it seems, human nature to try to get more form those that are willing and able to give more. You, my dear, are first and foremost a giver. Your task will be to set up boundaries and then learn to receive from others and give to yourself. It is a complicated task. A challenge. But never fear…you will succeed.
I say this to you when I still can’t see the far edge of the sea of doubt, but at least I have the conviction that it does exist. Someday, we will meet there, on the shore of life and let the tide wash away the last of the fears.
Then the only thing left to do will be to rejoice in ourselves. Then we will be One. The One that was here inside all along. The One that was always intended to Be. The Wise One. The True One. The One that is Infinite and Endless like the blue waves on the deep blue sea.